Every joke I've kept

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

— r/Jokes

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done. I've quit hundreds of times.

— r/Jokes

Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike. What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.

— r/Jokes

Hey, are you -273.15°C? Yeah, I'm 0K thanks.

— r/Jokes

I'm not usually too good at jokes but um... Tiss

— r/Jokes

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak? Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

— r/Jokes

I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.

— r/Jokes

Want to hear a word I made up? Plagiarism

— r/Jokes

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth. ... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

— r/Jokes

What do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished

— r/Jokes

If I won $900,000,000, I'd give a quarter of it to charity not sure what I'd do with the other $899,999,999.75 though.

— r/Jokes

When life hands you melons... You might be dyslexic.

— r/Jokes

If I Cuold Time Travel. I would fix the title.

— r/Jokes

What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink? I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

— r/Jokes

I used to be a narcissist. But now look at me

— r/Jokes

If you Google "lost mediaeval servant boy" You get "This page cannot be found".

— r/Jokes

I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind.

— r/Jokes

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react.

— r/Jokes

Why do they say "be there or be square"? because if you are square, you are not around.

— r/Jokes

How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?

— r/Jokes