Every joke I've kept

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

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How do you praise a computer? Say "Data Boy"!

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A good friend will say: "I love you!" (In a sarcastic tone) A best friend will say: "I love you, you f***in' b****!"

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If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

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"What's the difference between Honecker and a telephone? None! Hang up and try again."

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What happens to a scone when you have eaten it? It's scone.

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Knock, knock! Who's there? Delores. Delores who? Delores my shepherd...

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Now I lay me down to sleep With the boy across the street Won't my mommy be surprised When my tummy starts to rise Won't my daddy be disgusted When he finds my cherry's busted.

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Bob: How do you keep a turkey in suspense? Willie: I dunno. Bob: I'll tell you later...

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How many exciting people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they are VERY excited, one of them cracks the lightbulb and another throws the screw at their neighbor's house.

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A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. "Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What's wrong with me, Doc?". "It's simple. You're just two tents".

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One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m.All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money."You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!""Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!"

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If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

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I was talking to my sister's boyfriend one day and I asked him if prettyful was a word. He said, "Well, I use it a lot. Whenever I've just eaten and someone asks me if I'm hungry, I say 'I'm pretty full."

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In the USA they go ice skating. In Canada we go skating; we just assume it will be on ice!

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I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on ‘high’ I couldn’t turn it down.

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You know you're a good ol' boy computer operator if...

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Q:Why can peter pan fly? A:Because if you got hit in the peter with a pan you'd fly too.

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Knock-knock Who's there? Kook Kook who? Hey, who you calling cukoo mister?

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Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

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