Every joke I've kept

An Engineering Major says "How does it work?" A Science Major says "Why does it work?" An Accounting Major says "How much will it cost?" A Liberal Arts Major says "Do you want fries with that?"

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How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

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Only in America can a poor black boy turn into a rich white woman... (Michael Jackson)

— public joke corpus

Two Welshman walking across a field stumble upon a sheep with its head through a wire fence (it didn't have foot and mouth). The first Welshman drops his trousers and piles into the sheep for 10 mins. After he was finished he asked the second Welshman if he wanted a go?? The second Welshman dropped his trousers and stuck his head through the fence !

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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

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A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

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Child 1: Whatcha gonna do? Child 2: I'm gonna watch TV! Child 1: Guess what? I'm the QUEEN of the TV Freaks!

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Guy goes to see his doctor - "Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!" "OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?"

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A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

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How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 0. No lightbulbs want to torture their own kind!

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Beer... it's the cause and solution to all men's problems!

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A man and his love had a terrible spat: She scratched his face and he knocked her flat; She spat at him and he threw her around; She jumped from behind and he fell to the ground. How sad to see such trouble as that... Between a man and his household cat!

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"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?" "I don't know; and I couldn't care less."

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Why is there an L in NOEL?

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Here is a book never written. Extinction is Distinction by Dinah Soar

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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" Santa asks. "I want a Barbie and Xena," the little girl replies. Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," the little girl says. "She comes with Xena. She fakes it with Ken."

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I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

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Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. That is what their students are for.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi stops and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."

— public joke corpus