Every joke I've kept

My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.

— onelinefun.com

If time is money are ATM's time machines?

— onelinefun.com

If I could meet my brain the first thing I would probably say is: "It was truly and sincerely horrible working with you."

— onelinefun.com

What goes through towns, up hills, and down hills but never moves? The road!

— onelinefun.com

What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? Spare ribs.

— onelinefun.com

Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?

— onelinefun.com

The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

— onelinefun.com

What does a mathematician say when something goes wrong? Figures!

— onelinefun.com

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

— onelinefun.com

You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

— onelinefun.com

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

— onelinefun.com

"Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?

— onelinefun.com

I know everyone thinks tall people have a lot of advantages in life but in reality, we have to deal with 40% more spider webs than you do.

— onelinefun.com

Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.

— onelinefun.com

They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it...

— onelinefun.com

Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.

— onelinefun.com

I like to finish other people's sentences because... my version is better.

— onelinefun.com

I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.

— onelinefun.com

The best time to open a gift is the present.

— onelinefun.com

Is it good or bad if your vacuum sucks?

— onelinefun.com