Every joke I've kept

What kind of trouble does a five foot man have??? Five feet!!!

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Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

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Ways To Annoy People On The Subway Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by. Constantly ask people for directions. Don't take a shower for a month. Tell the people your problems. They really want to know.

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Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000

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There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.

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what did the 1 tampon say to the next tampon?? see you next peirod

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End Of The WorldWhen the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

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A three-legged poodle walked into a bar in the Wild West and said "Hey, I'm lookin for the guy who shot my paw!"

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My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

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What do you call corn that joins the army? Kernel.

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Did You Get the Tickets?

Bob: Did you get the tickets? Fred: What tickets? Bob: To the Gun Show! Well, let's see now, I think they're both pretty good, but...this one has it!

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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

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What do elephants always bring on holiday? A trunk.

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Can you decipher this phrase? cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat Copy cat!

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(These are fake books, but they make me laugh) "Spots on the Wall" by Hoo-flung-poo "Under the Bleachers" by Seamore Butts "Ten Steps from the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit, Illustrations by Bettie Cant

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Where do rabbits go after they get married? On a bunny-moon.

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"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!" "Who listens?"

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I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.

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To find out your car's astrological sign - look for a sticker on the inside of the driver's side door that gives you the exact month and year the car was manufactured. Car horoscopes are based month to month because they are created and assembled over a period of weeks and not just on one day.

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A woman and her goose walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why'd you bring the pig in the bar?" The woman answered, "I do believe this is a goose!" The bartender says, "I was talking to the goose!"

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