Every joke I've kept

How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.

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Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? They had a reptile dysfunction.

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No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.

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Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)

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I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

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Q: What do mice say when they see the moon?? A: "Ooh, Cheese!"

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A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?" From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."

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A 6'4" man hit a midget in the rear while at a red light. The midget gets out of his car and comes up to the man and says, "I'm NOT happy!" and the man replied, "Which one are you, then?"

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Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer:1. You met him in prison.2. His last good case was a Budweiser.3. All his law books are from Time-Life.4. He picks the jury by playing duck, duck, goose.

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We regret to inform you, but by opening this email, you have just received the 'Idiot Computer Virus'. Since our staff does not have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all files from your hard drive immediately, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank You

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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

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Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty days' pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

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Sign seen on a maternity-ward door: Push! Push! Push!

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Boy(howling): A crab just bit my toe! Father: Which one? Boy: How should I know?!?!?! All crabs look alike to me!!

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Teacher: Jimmy! Count from one all the way to ten! Jimmy: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Teacher: Good, now what comes after that? Jimmy:Jack, queen and king!

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Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.

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Q: What does a fish use to get high? A: Seaweed!

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If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

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If you ask a Bears fan what his or her two favorite teams are they would be: - The Bears - And whoever the Green Bay Packers are playing.

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DOS: Defective Operating System.WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Falls Teenagers.ISDN: It Still Does Nothing.MACINTOSH: Machine Always Crashes. If Not, The Operating System Hangs

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