Every joke I've kept

Why did KGB officers always travel in threes? One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

— r/Jokes

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

— r/Jokes

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

— r/Jokes

Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin? He was tragically malicious.

— r/Jokes

Yo girl, are you my appendix? Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

— r/Jokes

What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener

— r/Jokes

Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE) Because swift never misses.

— r/Jokes

Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it.

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Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.

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My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films... He forgot to show Up

— r/Jokes

To the guy that invented zero... Thanks for nothing.

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Love is a lot like algebra... You look at your X and try to figure out Y.

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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

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The NSA. A government organization that actually listens to you!

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Why didn't the bike go to the car show? Because he was two tired.

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What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks? Gee, you knit?

— r/Jokes

How do you turn a seal into a sea lion? Remove an electron.

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What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop.

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How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents...

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I just realized that I have lost my mood ring... Not sure how I feel about this...

— r/Jokes