Every joke I've kept

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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What do you call a dog without legs? It doesn't matter - he won't come, anyway.

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What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper.

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How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to give him a boost.

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A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.

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Once,there was a teacher and a girl named Wendy.The teacher asked for Wendy to say a sentence starting with the word I. So wendy started to say I is....Then the teacher said, "No Wendy, it is I am." So Wendy said, "I am the ninth letter if the alphabet."

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Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

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How Many Wizards Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Wizards don't use lightbulbs!

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How many ventriloquists does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the light bulb, and one to holg ge gottong og ge lagger.

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If your father is a poor man, it's your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

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Teacher: Name an animal that lives in the tundra. Pupil:A reindeer. Teacher: Good, now name another one. Pupil: Another reindeer.

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When was the price of milk the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon.

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When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

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Once i bought a squirrel and I named it Melinda, and then I gave it food and then it died! Now I have a box named Joice Ann and I gave it some water and it fell down and then it died!

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Registered users win points for submitting and voting on jokes.

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If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

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A professor giving a talk to a multinational audience tells a joke about the Germans. Someone at the back of the hall jumps up and protests angrily: "I'm German!" "OK", says the speaker "I'll say it again - slowly".

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I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.

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Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say ''Sock it to Me.'' (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from Laugh In.)

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Q. Why did the dog fall out of the tree? A. Because it was dead Q Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. Because it was stapled to the dog! Q. Why did the tree fall over? A. Because it thought it was a game.

— public joke corpus