Every joke I've kept

How many Hubluzas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? There is no lightbulb!

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Little Johnny: "Hey, Daddy, Spot just ate Mom's apple pie that was on the counter to cool off!" Dad: "Don't worry, son. We'll get you a new dog."

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Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where's pop corn?

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A woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, "Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first." The woman said, "Okay." So the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb."

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What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers

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How many men does it take to change a light bulb in the kitchen?None.... Let her cook in the dark!

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The similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living.

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A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,"Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news". The guy says, "well gimme the worst news first". The doc says, "well sir you have Cancer". The guy says "that's terrible news, but whats the bad news?" The doc says "well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease". "Well", answers the guy, "at least I don't have Cancer".

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Game Set Match = Tennis Set Match Run = Arson

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Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto. Pluto because it's no longer a planet.

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Two crisps are walking down the road when a car pulls up alongside and the driver leans out and says "Do you fancy a lift?". The crisps reply, "No thanks we're Walkers".

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Knock, knock. Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub mommy, I'm dwowning.

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Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess." Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?" Tonto says, "Ear sticky."

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A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked. "Now," said the boy, "run like hell!"

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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session."I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said."So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.""Of course," replied the patient."In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

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As is known, there is a large leper colony in Hawaii. To help ease the pain the patients have while there, a hockey rink was built to provide them entertainment. Only problem was that only one game ever got played on the rink. Within two minutes of game time, there was a face off in the corner.

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Did you know... in Louisiana it is illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant and leave it unattended? Really! It's true!

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Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

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Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television."

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Where should a dressmaker live? On the outskirts of the city.

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