Every joke I've kept

Told a girl to text me when she got home. She must be homeless.

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What's blue and doesn't weigh much? Light blue

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You gotta hand it to short people. because they can't reach it

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Just watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 3.14

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Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism? He got repossessed.

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What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.

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God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no.

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Where do admins go for summer break? Banned camp.

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I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

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I'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather... "Sorry I'm late."

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I love the smell of my F5 key... It's just so refreshing!

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Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT. Now it's just going to be called the T.

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I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

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If your coffee tastes like mud... It's probably fresh ground...

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Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.

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I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because apparently you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

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I can hear music coming out of my printer... I think the papers jammin' again

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Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars. The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

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My laziness is like the number 8. Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

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Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates? They hate plaque buildup.

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