Every joke I've kept

I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery. hashtag nofilter

— r/Jokes

My family treats me like a god. They only talk to me when they want something.

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An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen. Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.

— r/Jokes

I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

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Ever since I downloaded AdBlock on my computer... All the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.

— r/Jokes

What's a redneck's favorite dating website? Ancestry.com

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I used to own a racing snail... It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

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So my neighbour knocked on my door at 3am.. 3 AM! Can you believe that?! He was lucky I was still playing on my drumkit..

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I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me. My parents can be real jerks sometimes.

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How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq? Iran.

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How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg

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what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too? Imagination.

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What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Men toes.

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Got an A on my paper... Time to write the rest of it

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Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.

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Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.

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Im in a band called "Missing Cat" You've probably seen our posters...

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My dad never really loved me as a child. I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult.

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in mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.

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My roommates get angry when I steal their kitchen utensils. But frankly, thats a whisk I'm willing to take.

— r/Jokes