Every joke I've kept

What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!

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Why is revenge sweet, but payback is a b*tch?

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Q. What do elfs learn while in school? A. The elfabet!

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What starts with an E, ends with an E and usually contains only one letter? ENVELOPE!

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Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

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Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.

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How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.

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From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like that."

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Friend 1:"Yeh,you are looking too fat." Friend 2:"You are looking too old." Friend 1:"I am not old." Friend 2:"Then, I am not too fat."

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Someone dropped $50. Who do you think will pick it up? A.) An honest politician B.) A five year old child C.) Santa Claus B.) A 5 year old child, all the others aren't real.

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What's Wrong With that Guy?

"What's wrong with you?" you asked a very dumb guy that was taking your order at the newest resturant in town. "The doctor doesn't know yet, hehe (snort)."

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Dear God, So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.I am very thankful for that.But, in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.Amen

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You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.

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What kind of soup weighs 1000 pounds? Won ton soup!

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How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

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Librarian: "Please be quiet. The people next to you can't read." Boy: "What a shame! I've been reading since I was six."

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What do you call a lesbian asian? minjeeta

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How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

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Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

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Award season

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.