Every joke I've kept

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

— onelinefun.com

We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.

— onelinefun.com

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

— onelinefun.com

I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.

— onelinefun.com

Imagine saying hello to a dog in a normal conversational voice.

— onelinefun.com

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

— onelinefun.com

There are approximately 45 seconds between "I'll make us an omelet" and "We're having scrambled eggs.

— onelinefun.com

What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum - you can't beat it!

— onelinefun.com

Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.

— onelinefun.com

I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

— onelinefun.com

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

— onelinefun.com

It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.

— onelinefun.com

Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from grandpa. He was known as the cod father.

— onelinefun.com

It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.

— onelinefun.com

I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn't make ends meet.

— onelinefun.com

If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

— onelinefun.com

One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

— onelinefun.com

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

— onelinefun.com

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

— onelinefun.com

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

— onelinefun.com