Every joke I've kept

Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

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What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.

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As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

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Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

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Some useless inventions: 1) A waterproof teabag 2) A swimsuit store in the North Pole 3) Sugar free, fat free, taste free chocolate 4) A parachute that opens on impact 5) An ejector seat in a helicopter

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Johnny and his mother were having a parent-teacher conference. MOTHER: Johnny really enjoys having you as a teacher, Mrs. Bengal. JOHNNY: Really? I didn't know it was opposite day!

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You might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

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It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.

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Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)

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Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

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JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill Forgot the pill And now they have a son.

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You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.

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"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman

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Where did you learn to make ice cream? Sunday school.

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A man awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he said. "Is it night?" A nurse replied, "No, it's just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

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Once, a teacher was showing a child a picture of a firefighter taking a child out of a burning building. The teacher asked what that was. The child replied,"A pregnant firefighter." Instead of scolding him, she calmly asked,"Do you know what pregnant means?" The little boy just said, "Yes, it means to be carrying a child."

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The "I Love You" virus that infects users of Microsoft's outlook has morphed. Watch for these variations:

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What movie is really the sequel to April Fools? The May-Tricks

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A child named Bob was running through the neighbor's garden. "Hey!" shouted the neighbor, "I thought I told you not to let me catch you here again!" "Right!" replied the boy, "and you haven't caught me yet!"

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I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were "Do not eat paper." Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!!

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