Every joke I've kept

I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria. Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell

— r/Jokes

What do you call a broken square? A REKTangle

— r/Jokes

My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious." I wish I'd thought of that quote.

— r/Jokes

Somebody told me I was condescending today. Since you probably don't know what that means, its when you talk down to people.

— r/Jokes

Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house? They have to use their Endor voices.

— r/Jokes

Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized

— r/Jokes

How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

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The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly. Sherman marched to the sea

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You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

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If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

— r/Jokes

So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

— r/Jokes

How do you make a racing snail faster? I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.

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Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can get is bronze.

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What's a pirate's favorite explosive? M80

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Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me." You reply with "That's the point."

— r/Jokes

A man with authority walks into a bar... Orders everyone a round

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A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots. He goes home sober.

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"Where do you see yourself in five years?" "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."

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I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

— r/Jokes

Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is!

— r/Jokes