Every joke I've kept

What do you get when you cross Henry VIII and Vlad the Impaler? Executed.

— r/Jokes

Most people have a family tree, but I have a family cactus. Because mine is full of pricks.

— r/Jokes

My house-mate is terrified of negative numbers. He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

— r/Jokes

Why do hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark? Because it's the first Indy movie.

— r/Jokes

a termite walks into a bar. And asks the waitress, is the bar tender here?

— r/Jokes

What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman.

— r/Jokes

I have a problem with commitment. Never mind that joke is lame anyway

— r/Jokes

My horse was way more aggressive than usual today. it threw me off

— r/Jokes

A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet... But I can only walk so fast.

— r/Jokes

What did the mermaid forget to bring to math class? Her algae bra

— r/Jokes

My friend Oscar met Leonardo DiCaprio and told him a joke. He didn't get it.

— r/Jokes

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space? Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

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Burned my Hawaiian pizza... Should have put it on aloha temperature.

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I had my first date last night! Such an underrated fruit.

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I hate making spelling mistakes. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

— r/Jokes

In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

— r/Jokes

"I wanted to lose 10 lbs. this year.... only 13 lbs. to go!"

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My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him dav

— r/Jokes

A Pokemon go user walks into a bar. Because he was too busy looking at his phone to notice it

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Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.

— r/Jokes