Every joke I've kept

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey... For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.

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What did one plate say to the other? "Lunch is on me."

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What do you call someone who puts a picture of themselves in a locket? Independent

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So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today. I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.

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A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."

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Why should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it? Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.

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So my neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM... Who knocks on doors at three in the morning? It's so inconsiderate! Good thing I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose

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My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?" I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

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How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

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Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside. But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

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Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.

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Shout out to my student loan for getting me through college. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.

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Why doesn't the Grinch like knock knock jokes? Because there's always Whos there!

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Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

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I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise until I realised, we are all in the same boat.

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Time Machine. I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

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How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

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How many Avatar characters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It will change when the fire nation attacks

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What's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee

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