Every joke I've kept

Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.

— onelinefun.com

What's the best part about Valentine's Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

— onelinefun.com

Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.

— onelinefun.com

I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.

— onelinefun.com

I lost my paper towels, I think I need a bounty hunter.

— onelinefun.com

I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

— onelinefun.com

Your future depends on your dreams. Don't waste any time, go to bed now.

— onelinefun.com

What underwear does clouds wear? Thunderwear!

— onelinefun.com

You know when donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking? That's what it's like having kids.

— onelinefun.com

Yesterday I decided to change my WiFi name to "Hack me if you can" and when I woke up this morning I saw the name changed to "Challenge accepted" somebody help.

— onelinefun.com

Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

— onelinefun.com

I think it's ridiculous that people are letting off fireworks in September, my cat was so scared he ran up the Christmas tree.

— onelinefun.com

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

— onelinefun.com

It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize.

— onelinefun.com

Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?

— onelinefun.com

If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.

— onelinefun.com

I'm not lazy... I'm just on my energy saving mode.

— onelinefun.com

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

— onelinefun.com

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

— onelinefun.com

When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.

— onelinefun.com