Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!"
— public joke corpus
Every joke I've kept
Surf instead →allone-liners 4222misc 1013animal 458classic 417general 345puns 264children 219at-work 211light-bulbs 191sports 153food 126programming 121money 100knock-knock 91medical 76science 55math 48bar 41music 41tech 40college 26family-parents 18men 18blonde-jokes 15computers 10crazy-jokes 9heaven-and-hell 9business 7deep-thoughts 7military 6one-liner 6women 6holidays 5police-jokes 5bar-jokes 3food-jokes 3idiots 3blind-jokes 2dad 2ethnic-jokes 2farmers 2ocean 2office-jokes 2old-age 2school 2state-jokes 1
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
— public joke corpus
The world's most widely seen warning label: "Intel Inside"Windoze 95/98 Tech Support response: "It's not a bug, it's a feature."Apple: "We may not do everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to change."
— public joke corpus
Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
— public joke corpus
What did Michael Jackson name his denim store? Billy Jeans!
— public joke corpus
Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
— public joke corpus
What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.
— public joke corpus
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!
— public joke corpus
What is black and red? An ape going down a hill!
— public joke corpus
Why was Johnny's math book sad? It had too many problems!
— public joke corpus
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
— public joke corpus
Teacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet? Alvin: 18. Teacher: Wrong, there are 26. Alvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him.
— public joke corpus
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
— public joke corpus
It's only funny until someone gets hurt... Then it's hilarious!
— public joke corpus
What kind of key can't open a door. A monkey
— public joke corpus
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
— public joke corpus
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
— public joke corpus
Why are golf balls small and white? Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.
— public joke corpus
Why do choirs keep buckets handy? So they can carry their tune
— public joke corpus
Two eggs were in a pan of boiling water. One egg says, "Phew, it's hot in here!" The other egg replies, "Wait till we get out of here, they smash your head in!"
— public joke corpus