Every joke I've kept

I can cut down a tree only using my vision. It's true! I saw it with my own eyes!

— onelinefun.com

Finally got around to watching Back To The Future... It's about time.

— onelinefun.com

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

— onelinefun.com

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

— onelinefun.com

People who say they've lost their voice are lying.

— onelinefun.com

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

— onelinefun.com

There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

— onelinefun.com

Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over!

— onelinefun.com

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

— onelinefun.com

How do you make a fire with two sticks? Make sure one of them is a match!

— onelinefun.com

I can't wait for Valentine's Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.

— onelinefun.com

What was the barristas favourite part about being arrested? The mug shots.

— onelinefun.com

If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot... it's on the right foot.

— onelinefun.com

Why do shepherds never learn to count? Because if they did they would always be falling asleep.

— onelinefun.com

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

— onelinefun.com

I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.

— onelinefun.com

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

— onelinefun.com

The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.

— onelinefun.com

Working at a Hospital is the worst cause you can't call in sick. You: "Yeah, I can't come in today, I'm sick." Boss: "Come on in, we'll check you out."

— onelinefun.com

I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it.

— onelinefun.com