Every joke I've kept

What was the female math book that lived underwater wearing? An algae-bra

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So, this guy walks into a bar. And says, "ouch".

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Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.

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What do you get if you cross a rhino and and elephant? Elepf-ino (pronounced "Hell if I know")

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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

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Boy: Will you marry me? Girl: Are you kidding? You're a geek while I need a man with a big bank account and a nice house! Boy: I have 1000 GBs in the cloud. Girl: Come on, that won't even buy us a cabin in Texas! Boy: You don't know sh*t, my EC2 account can buy a farm in New York if you wish!

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The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it's bad for you.

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So, what did one Bowling pin say to the other Bowling pin? ............................ Hey, you're a knock out!

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You know your church is a redneck church if baptism is referred to as Branding.

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What do you get when you mix cigarettes in hot water? A soggy butt.

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What do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you? You say: Too late, I already told.

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This really happened (honest!) A bunch of very young girls arrived at our door at Halloween. My Mum, being friendly, asked them whereabouts they lived, because she hadn't seen them before. They replied, "We live quite near here, where do you live?"

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Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!

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"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand."If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

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There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!

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At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

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What's another name for a push-up bra? False advertisement

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Which dog doesn't have a tail? Hot dogs, of course.

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What did the wall say to the picture? How's it hangin`?

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Knock-knock Whose there? Says Says who? Says me

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