Every joke I've kept

Q: Why are hairdressers always on time? A: Because they know all the short cuts!

— public joke corpus

What Shall I Wear Today?

Policeman to woman he's just stopped for speeding - "As soon as I saw you coming round the corner, I said to myself, 'Must be 55 at least'." "It's this dress, officer - it always make me look older!"

— public joke corpus

Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?" Billy: "No comb, Sir." Teacher: "Use your dad's then." Billy: "No hair, Sir."

— public joke corpus

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"

— public joke corpus

Q) How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb? A) One, but it takes 3 lightbulbs.

— public joke corpus

Knock, knock Who's there? Some. Some who? Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes.

— public joke corpus

What's black and white and played all over? Black and White (the computer game)

— public joke corpus

"Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."

— public joke corpus

Johnny comes home from school, and shouts, "Mother!" Mother calls from upstairs, "If you wish to speak to me, come upstairs so you don't have to shout." When Johnny gets upstairs, she says, "Now, what did you want to say to me?" "Just that I trod in some dog do, but it seems to have gone now!"

— public joke corpus

Baboons were once trained by Egyptians to wait on tables. A queen bee can lay 800-1500 eggs per day. The Popsicle was invented in 1905 by an 11-year-old boy. "Disco" means "I learn" in Latin.

— public joke corpus

"What's wrong with your husband?" the psychiatrist asked."He thinks he's a chicken," answered the woman."How long has he been acting like a chicken?""Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs."

— public joke corpus

One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says "Jane.. give me a double Matini". Jane says "What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!" Tarzan says "It's a jungle out there!"

— public joke corpus

An Engineering Major says "How does it work?" A Science Major says "Why does it work?" An Accounting Major says "How much will it cost?" A Liberal Arts Major says "Do you want fries with that?"

— public joke corpus

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

— public joke corpus

Two Welshman walking across a field stumble upon a sheep with its head through a wire fence (it didn't have foot and mouth). The first Welshman drops his trousers and piles into the sheep for 10 mins. After he was finished he asked the second Welshman if he wanted a go?? The second Welshman dropped his trousers and stuck his head through the fence !

— public joke corpus

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

— public joke corpus

A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

— public joke corpus

Child 1: Whatcha gonna do? Child 2: I'm gonna watch TV! Child 1: Guess what? I'm the QUEEN of the TV Freaks!

— public joke corpus

Guy goes to see his doctor - "Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!" "OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?"

— public joke corpus