A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
— public joke corpus
How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 0. No lightbulbs want to torture their own kind!
— public joke corpus
A man and his love had a terrible spat: She scratched his face and he knocked her flat; She spat at him and he threw her around; She jumped from behind and he fell to the ground. How sad to see such trouble as that... Between a man and his household cat!
— public joke corpus
"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?" "I don't know; and I couldn't care less."
— public joke corpus
Why is there an L in NOEL?
— public joke corpus
Here is a book never written. Extinction is Distinction by Dinah Soar
— public joke corpus
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" Santa asks. "I want a Barbie and Xena," the little girl replies. Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," the little girl says. "She comes with Xena. She fakes it with Ken."
— public joke corpus
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
— public joke corpus
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. That is what their students are for.
— public joke corpus
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi stops and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."
— public joke corpus
Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.
— public joke corpus
What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.
— public joke corpus
As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
— public joke corpus
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
— public joke corpus
Some useless inventions: 1) A waterproof teabag 2) A swimsuit store in the North Pole 3) Sugar free, fat free, taste free chocolate 4) A parachute that opens on impact 5) An ejector seat in a helicopter
— public joke corpus
Johnny and his mother were having a parent-teacher conference. MOTHER: Johnny really enjoys having you as a teacher, Mrs. Bengal. JOHNNY: Really? I didn't know it was opposite day!
— public joke corpus
You might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
— public joke corpus
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.
— public joke corpus
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)
— public joke corpus
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
— public joke corpus