Every joke I've kept

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill Forgot the pill And now they have a son.

— public joke corpus

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.

— public joke corpus

"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman

— public joke corpus

Where did you learn to make ice cream? Sunday school.

— public joke corpus

A man awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he said. "Is it night?" A nurse replied, "No, it's just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

— public joke corpus

Once, a teacher was showing a child a picture of a firefighter taking a child out of a burning building. The teacher asked what that was. The child replied,"A pregnant firefighter." Instead of scolding him, she calmly asked,"Do you know what pregnant means?" The little boy just said, "Yes, it means to be carrying a child."

— public joke corpus

What movie is really the sequel to April Fools? The May-Tricks

— public joke corpus

A child named Bob was running through the neighbor's garden. "Hey!" shouted the neighbor, "I thought I told you not to let me catch you here again!" "Right!" replied the boy, "and you haven't caught me yet!"

— public joke corpus

I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were "Do not eat paper." Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!!

— public joke corpus

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

— public joke corpus

23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays.

— public joke corpus

As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I answered, "What do you need?"

— public joke corpus

What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle.

— public joke corpus

Woodworm strolls into a pub and asks "Is the bar tender here"?

— public joke corpus

Q: How many ''pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.

— public joke corpus

A mother and a her daughter go to a restaurant for breakfast to celebrate her birthday. The restaurant is known for its imported cheeses. The mother asks, "Would you like some cheese, my angel?" The little girl says,"Sure, but can you take out the holes in the cheese?"

— public joke corpus

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

— public joke corpus

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator!

— public joke corpus

Intelligence? I Think Not!

What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.

— public joke corpus

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None that's a hardware problem

— public joke corpus