Every joke I've kept

If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?

— onelinefun.com

Why are birthday's good for you? Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!

— onelinefun.com

I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...

— onelinefun.com

No Déjà vu please...I Don't want to go through that again

— onelinefun.com

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

— onelinefun.com

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.

— onelinefun.com

I would make jokes about the sea, but they are too deep.

— onelinefun.com

Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.

— onelinefun.com

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

— onelinefun.com

I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

— onelinefun.com

I always give 100 %... which is why I lost my job as an exam marker!

— onelinefun.com

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.

— onelinefun.com

I do try to be empathetic and put myself in other people's shoes... but I have big feet.

— onelinefun.com

I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.

— onelinefun.com

I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.

— onelinefun.com

If you didn't take a selfie at the gym, were you really there?

— onelinefun.com

Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

— onelinefun.com

The panic begins with the first one to say ‘Calm down!'

— onelinefun.com

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

— onelinefun.com

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

— onelinefun.com