Every joke I've kept

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand."If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

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There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!

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At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

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What's another name for a push-up bra? False advertisement

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Which dog doesn't have a tail? Hot dogs, of course.

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What did the wall say to the picture? How's it hangin`?

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Knock-knock Whose there? Says Says who? Says me

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Knock-Knock Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell

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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom!

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Q: How do you keep a cheepskate busy? A: Put him or her in a round room and tell them that you droped a $20 bill in the corner.

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What was the elephant doing on the highway? About 5 mph

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Knock-Knock, Who's there? Alarm. Alarm who? Alarm the cops about all the partying I've been having!!

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A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.""You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

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Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

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Children in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children

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What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.

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3 year old kid: "Guess what? Daddy got you a pway-station!" 7 year old kid: "Really??!! Where is it?" 3 year old: "It's in p-one mile!"

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Two men were fishing in a pond one day and all of a sudden a funeral recession went by. One of the men stood up, took off his hat and stood there until it went completely by. The other guy said "You know that was really descent of you to do that". So the other guy said "Yeh, its the least I could do, after all I've been married to the woman for 30 years".

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It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

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Two contracters were building a house. While they were sawing a board, the saw slipped and cut of one of the contracter's ears off. They were looking through the sawdust and one contracter came up with the ear. He asked his co-worker, "Is this it?" The other one said "No, mine had a pencil behind it!"

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