Every joke I've kept

Knock Knock! Who's there? Moo, moo, who. Moo, moo, who, who? Well, make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?

— public joke corpus

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.

— public joke corpus

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

— public joke corpus

Farmer: This is a dogwood tree. Cityman: How can you tell? Farmer: By its bark

— public joke corpus

How to break up a dating couple: Knock-knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I dumped your girlfriend last night?

— public joke corpus

An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese went to try their echo; the American said, "Good morning," and the echo came back, "Good morninginginging." Then the Frenchman said, "Bon jour," and the echo came back "Bon jourjourjour." Then the Chinese said, "Chang chiong shang zhang hu," and the echo came back, "Whatwhatwhatwhat?"

— public joke corpus

Why are llamas big and brown? Beacause if they were small & grey, they would be mice.

— public joke corpus

What kind of music do welders like? Heavy metal.

— public joke corpus

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A:To get to the shell gas station!

— public joke corpus

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

— public joke corpus

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

— public joke corpus

Two fat men took part in a marathon. One ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts.

— public joke corpus

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one! I figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three for each three they unlock!

— public joke corpus

What does a pirate pay for his corn? A buccaneer!

— public joke corpus

Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, "You're lying!".The other politician responded, "I know, but hear me out."

— public joke corpus

Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words.

— public joke corpus

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

— public joke corpus

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"

— public joke corpus

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

— public joke corpus

Why do programmers prefer dark chocolate? Because it's bitter like their code.

— public joke corpus