Every joke I've kept

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None 'o yo' freakin' business! A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

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A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing,humming and giggling all over herself. Her husband asked her why she wasso happy. She said, "I went to the doctor today and he said I have thebreasts of a twenty year old."The husband then asked, "What did he say about your fifty year old ass?""Your name didn't come up in our conversation." She replied.

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I have nothing to declare except my genius.

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If there are 12 cats on a fence and 1 cat jumps off, how many are left? None, they're all copycats!

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Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

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What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."

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The word 'function' should never function as a verb.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Halfway?

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? To "lay it on the line".

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Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

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Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts? They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks . . . They are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.

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True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

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I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...

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Bill had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison: "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

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What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.

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The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."

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Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

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Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel? A. So the French government could to flee to London.

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The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

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A man goes into a shoe store and asks to try on a pair of shoes. They were a bit snug. "Well, they feel a bit tight," says the man. The salesman bends down and feels around. He suggests pulling the tongue out, then asks, "How do they feel now?" "Well, dey shtill feel a bit thight"

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As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

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