A spanish speaking person was eating breakfast they where having english muffins the rest of the family was English(The Spanish speaking guy was adopted)so he was eating an English muffin after that he tried to say Uno but instead was completely English Wierd
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Mom: How did you do on your history test? Kid: Not good. Mom: Why? Kid: They asked me things that happened before I was born!
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Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
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She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!
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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.
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Three ants went to the beach to swim. Two jumped directly in the water. The other went back home and after an hour returned. Why? She forgot her swimming suit!!
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Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other? A: I have a lot of problems.
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A boy and his mom were playing the new game of life were you could put your house were you wanted it. The boy put it on the left side. On his next turn he moved it onto the right side. The mom asked why he did that and he said, "I wanted to live on the other side of life."
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When does Saddam Hussein have his lunch? When Tariq Aziz. (When Tariq has his)
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As the plane was flying low over hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
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I believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
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A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!"
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Have you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No? If you don't pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains!
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A business man in Chicago had occasion to write a Japanese friend in Tokyo. Mindful of the Oriental's appreciation of flowery language and of his own duty to the cause of good public relations, he ended his letter with the wish, "May Heaven preserve you always." To the delight of the business man's office staff, the Japanese responded with, "May Heaven pickle you, too."
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Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.
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The masked and armed man entered the bank. "Nobody move, or you're geography!" shouts the bandit. One of the tellers says, "Don't you mean 'history'?" "Don't change the subject!"
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Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, "Why are you calling me?" Then I get up and take a shower. It's great.
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An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"
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On Halloween night a kid is standing on a bench with a fake beard, fake fangs, a tennis racket, a baseball cap, and a purple cape. A snobby man walks by and says, "What are you supposed to be?" The kid says, "Duh! I'm a kid standing on a bench wearing fake fangs, a fake beard, a baseball cap, a purple cape and holding a tennis racket! What did you think I was?"
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Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
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