Every joke I've kept

Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

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Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other carries groceries.

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Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study? He wants to show them his executive branch.

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What do you give the person who has everything? A box to keep it all in.

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Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

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Roses are red Violets are blue I'm schizophrenic And so am I!

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My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.

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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

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Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

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Q)Where do eskimo pigs live? A)In a pigloo.

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok, he woke up.

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Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

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Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered? Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.

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Darn those pushy metric system advocates! Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!

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It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

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What are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows.

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Mom: "Why have you been sent home early, Jack?" Jack: "Because the boy next to me was smoking." Mom: "But if he was smoking, why were you sent home?" Jack: "Because I set him on fire!"

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What was the last thing that Abraham Lincoln did? He died.

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The thing you need to focus on in your 20's is not getting a bad tattoo. You don't want to be 40 and going, "No, dude, it was different back then - everybody loved SpongeBob."

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A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?" The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter, and the host said, "My wife."

— public joke corpus