Every joke I've kept

There was a man who went to buy some guns. The salesman at the store asked what he wanted to shoot. He said, "Cans" So the salesman asked, "What kind of cans?" "Ameri-cans, Afri-cans,,,,"

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Q: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade.

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Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumbly.

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Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change a light bulb? A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.

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War not determine who right, war determine who left.

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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How many blondes does it take to put in a light bulb? 1000. 1 to screw in the light bulb; 1 to give the light bulb to the person who'll screw in a light bulb and 998 to find the light bulb.

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A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?" "$80 a tooth," he replies. "For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient. "Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower.

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What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile? "Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"

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Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi.

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A woman in a cafe had ordered turtle soup, but changed her mind and asked for pea soup instead. She heard the waiter call, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!" At the next table, a man ordered the fish, but when the waiter brought it, he was holding the fish on the plate. When asked why he was holding it on the plate, he said he didn't want it to fall on the floor again.

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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

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Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?

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Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake

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All you see in the sports media nowadays is the fact that athletes are taking steriods and other performance enhanceing drugs to become stronger and faster. So instead of going out and buying a new car I put some steriods in the gas tank.... I wonder if I will get the same result?

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A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?" "Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!"

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Q: What do you get when a rooster crosses a duck? A: A bird that gets up at the quack of dawn!

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Once, I was walking along our road and saw a man who appeared to be very old and well-lived sitting in a rocking chair. Surely, I thought, this man had all the answers. So I asked, "How did you live to such a healthy old age?" He said, "I do lots of drugs, eat lots of sugars and fats, I smoke, and I never exercise." "Wow," I said, "how old are you again??" "I'm 22."

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What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

— public joke corpus