Every joke I've kept

-What do you call a dog in a submarine? -A sub-woofer.

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Knock Knock! Who's There? Dishwasher. Dishwasher Who? Dishwasher whay I sphoke vhefore I hafe fawse feeth (This was the way I spoke before I had false teeth)

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Why are all the numbers scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9!

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A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

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A man walked into a bar... and it hurt!

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The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands Little Johnny, dressed well but plainly, who says, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks Johnny what he's dressed up like that for at Halloween. Little Johnny says, "I'm an IRS agent"; then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

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VEB Sachsenring brought out a new Eco-Trabi: Immediately available for delivery, extremely cheap, extremely quiet, extremely environmentally friendly - with electric power train. Small problem: The extension cord is only 20 meters long and not in stock.

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1: Fatten every one around you to make them look bigger. You'll look thinner 2: If no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 3: Drink a diet soda with your candy bar. They'll cancel each other out. 4: Life's short, eat dessert first.

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Where Did You Learn that From?

This is a true story told to me. A big city news anchor is driving along the freeway when his young son asks him, "Daddy, what does motherf____r mean?" He turns to his son, "That's a really bad word, don't ever say that again. Where did you learn that?!?!?" His son answers innocently, "Well, that's what you just said about that car you said cut you off."

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Quasimodo goes to his Parisian Cathedral doctor for his annual checkup."I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says."Why do you say that?" asks Quasimodo."I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

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When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

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Q.Why shouldn't you wear snow boots? A.Because they will melt!

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What is a horse's favourite Shakepearean play? Rodeo and Juliet

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What biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread.

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Q. Why do husbands die before their wives ? A. They want to

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The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, except one girl, laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."

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Two guys are eating a hamburger at a fast food place. 1st Guy- Does your hamburger taste funny? 2nd Guy- No just yours. Mine doesn't have a sense of humor.

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What's the hardest part of skydiving? The ground!

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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.

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One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said "Well, give me the good news first." She said "The good news is that the air bag works."

— public joke corpus