Every joke I've kept

Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know To get the Chinese newspaper Get it? No Neither do I. I get USA Today

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The best way to end a war is to surrender.

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Who's Bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby? His baby cause he is a little Bigger.

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The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn't and she said great there's a hammer and nails in the corner.

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"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live." The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time." "Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

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My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.

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IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got

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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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CUSTOMER: "Look at that watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime." CLERK: "Yeah, well you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."

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People often think of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas' as the days preceding the festival. Actually, Christmas is a season of the Christian Year that lasts for the twelve days beginning December 25 and lasting until January 6 - the Day of Epiphany, when the church celebrates the revelation of Christ as the Light of the world and recalls the journey of the magi.

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Russian company: You have two cows. You drink some vodka and count them again. You have five cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you have.

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Two drunks get thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."

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A speaker was having a little trouble getting started in his speech. All of the sudden someone from the audience shouted: "Tell 'em everything you know. It will only take a mintue. ""I'll tell e'm what we both know," shot back the speaker. "It won't take any longer. "

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How many worms does it take to screw in a light bulb? What kind of an idiot thinks worms can screw in light bulbs?!

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A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style."If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef.""Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

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Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

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There once was a very old man, whose verses no one could scan. And when they asked, "Why?" he said, "I don't know, I "just put too many words in the last line, I guess."

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What do you call a duck that gets all A's? A wise quacker.

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Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, "Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual." Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved, "Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last."

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What do you get when every car in the nation is pink? Answer: a pink carnation (the flower)

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