Every joke I've kept

Why Did the Chicken...?

Why did the chicken do a poo right in front of a hole on a really busy footpath? Because he wanted people to slip on the poo and fall in the hole.

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A biologist, a psychologist, and a mathematician were sitting in a bar drinking coffee.Across the street, they watch as 2 people walk into the house, and then 3 people come out."They must have reproduced!" cries the biologist."It can't be physically done!" cries the psychologist."You guys are both wrong" says the mathematician. "Now there are negative one person in the house.

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Can You Decipher This Phrase? R R A Y Y X-ray!

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I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."

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"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment.

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Remember the Golden Rule He who has the gold makes the rules.

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what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? a labracadabrador

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Why don't skeletons ever play music at church? Because they don't have any organs!

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What do you call a girl between two posts? Annette.

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant. "Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.

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What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.

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Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

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Q: What did one chart say to the other? A: "My! You're awfully graphic!"

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Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

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"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

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Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?Golfer: "Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?"Caddy: "Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mrs. Smith. You caught me off-guard."

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The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.

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Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.

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Another Chicken Joke that Doesn't Involve Crossing the Road

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg!

— public joke corpus