Every joke I've kept

My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

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"Have you ever had a tick before?" asked Mel. "No, I've only ever had crosses," replied Sally.

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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

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How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Into what?

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A man was watching television when there was a knock on the door. He answered it, but only a snail was there. So he picked it up and threw it into the street. Two years later, the man heard another knock on the door. He opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, "What was that all about?"

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Why Are Scissors Such Good Dancers?

Q: Why are scissors such good dancers? A: Because of their sharp moves.

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Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

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This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it rather funny. P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

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Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride

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Knock-knock Who's there Who Who who I don't know what the heck your talking about but good owl impression.

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Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy, with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. "Now listen here," the policeman said. "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature, I shall personally do to you" "In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it on the forehead and let it go"

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Little Bobby had been searching through a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend? An anniversary, or a congratulations to your mom and dad?" Little Bobby shook his head and answered, "No. Er...got any blank report cards?"

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2,500 left handers die each year using products designed for right handers. Most people hear better with their right ear. Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons. Honey bees are the only insects that create a form of food for humans.

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Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."Tech Support: "Yes."Customer: "My computer isn't working now."Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."

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A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up."

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What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite? A bug that says grace before eating your house.

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The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

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Lisa was playing bowling with her friend Marie. Lisa got a strike, then one more strike. Then, she got another strike. She had just gotten 3 strikes in a row! "I just got 3 strikes in a row!" said Lisa. Marie said, "You're out, you just got 3 strikes in a row!"

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Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sittingbehind Bill said, "No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!

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