Every joke I've kept

If you boil a clown... Do you get a laughing stock?

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Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.

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I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

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How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow!

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There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it. Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach...

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Life is full of uncertainties...or could I be wrong about that?

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What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A blood orange.

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Knock Knock. Who's there? Toulose. Toulose who? I don't want to lose to anybody!

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Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ? A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

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Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment? A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

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Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m? Because elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m. Why do beavers have flat tails? Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m!

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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. - W. C. Fields.

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Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

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It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

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What is Mary short for? For having no legs, of course...If you didn't have any, you would be short too.

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I can't tell if i like this blender... It keeps giving me mixed results.

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What do you call a dinosaur that is able to give you a synonym for any word you give him? Answer: A Thesaurus! :)

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There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.

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A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man replied, "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

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Teenager: Dad, did you hear that Jake broke up with Taylor? Dad: Oh no, another album.

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