Every joke I've kept

People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.

— onelinefun.com

Do German cats have multiple lives? Nein.

— onelinefun.com

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent.

— onelinefun.com

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

— onelinefun.com

Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.

— onelinefun.com

May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions?

— onelinefun.com

I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!

— onelinefun.com

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

— onelinefun.com

Sure boss, I'd love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

— onelinefun.com

Don't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

— onelinefun.com

The device will work much better, if you turn it on.

— onelinefun.com

When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.

— onelinefun.com

Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

— onelinefun.com

Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.

— onelinefun.com

Grocery store flowers on Valentine's Day: show someone you care slightly more than not at all.

— onelinefun.com

My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.

— onelinefun.com

If I tell you I'm thinking about you, don't get too excited, because I'm also thinking about nachos.

— onelinefun.com

There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

— onelinefun.com

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

— onelinefun.com

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

— onelinefun.com