Every joke I've kept

Can You Decipher This Phrase? knee light light Neon lights!

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The one item you need is always in short supply.

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why did the 1 handed man cross the road??to get to the second hand shop

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Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. Notes: Ugh!

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Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts.

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What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.

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Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. Apparently, that sound was "Uh oh."

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Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

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Thngs Not To Say To A Cop #1

Hey, I saw you in Dunkin' donuts yesterday!! You're the one ordering triple chocolate, double vanilla, quadrupal cinnamon and double whip cream dounut filled with sprinkles.

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Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, 'Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.'Tonto bends down and put his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, 'Buffalo come.' The Lone Ranger says to Tonto 'How do you know?' Tonto Says 'Ear sticky'

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What is represented by this? Way One Way!

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This is true! In a speech George W. Bush made in 2001 he concluded: But all in all, my wife and I have had a wonderful year! (2001 was the year that the Twin Towers were destroyed)

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What does the mermaid wear to math class? Algae-bra.

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What do you get when a dinosuar stubs its toe? A: Stubasaurus

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Q. Who likes to make dinner for Peter Pan? A. Captain Cook!

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Q: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating.

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

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I was watching my friend instant message. She was talking to a kid that she knew. The kid had lost his hat. I suggested, rather foolishly, to look in his nose. (As a joke, of course) My friend typed this. He then wrote (without seeing the message that my friend wrote) I'm going to look there on Monday.

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A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat". - Steven Wright.

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