Every joke I've kept

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

— public joke corpus

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

— public joke corpus

Five year old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

— public joke corpus

Can You Decipher This Phrase? B SAI Bonsai! B (on) SAI.

— public joke corpus

A guy came home to his wife and said to her:"Guess what?I've found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week in the hand to boot!""That's great," his wife said."Yeah, it's unreal," he agreed."You start Monday."

— public joke corpus

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure:

— public joke corpus

A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part. -- Redd Foxx

— public joke corpus

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat', 'deduct', 'defence' and 'detail'. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply. "Defeat of Deduct went over defence before detail!"

— public joke corpus

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?

— public joke corpus

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.

— public joke corpus

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but it takes a certified electrician to make it work.

— public joke corpus

Justin: If you give me a quarter, I'll give you everything in my lunch box. Zach: That depends... what's in your lunchbox? Justin: Nothing!

— public joke corpus

On a trip to see Santa, little Johnny climbed into St. Nick's lap and shared his wish list. Later that day, in another store, there was Santa again! "And what would you like for Christmas?" he asked little Johnny. Shaking his head, Johnny sighed, "You really need to write these things down."

— public joke corpus

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

— public joke corpus

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

— public joke corpus

Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!

— public joke corpus

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

— public joke corpus

Where do the monsters go when they lose a hand? To the second-hand shop.

— public joke corpus

Can you decipher this phrase? ED CROWD Over crowded: [CROWD over ED].

— public joke corpus

Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large."

— public joke corpus