Every joke I've kept

Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

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What do u call a Lesbian Dinosaur?A Lickalottapus

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How do you confuse an Irishman? Line 4 shovels up against a wall and tell him to take his pick.

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zebra: 25 sizes bigger than an 'A' bra

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The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old." "How did you get such exact information?" "I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."

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A man walks into a dentist's and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." The dentist says, "You need a psychiatrist, mate." The man says, "Yes, I know." The dentist replies, "Well, why have you come in here?" "Your light was on!"

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His death won't be listed under "Obituaries," it will be under "Neighborhood Improvements."

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What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!

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A boy walks home an hour late to class, the teacher asks him, "Why are you so late?" The boy replies, "I stopped two boys from beating each other up." The teacher says, "That's very nice; how did you do that?" The boy says, "I beat them both up!"

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Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate? The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!

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Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.''And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'

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These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report) performance appraisal for the military.

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What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.

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What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?A walkie-talkie.

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Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army? A: To say "I surrender" in German

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Why did the boy sprinkle sugar underneath his pillow that night? He wanted to have sweet dreams.

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Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Depends on how many lightbulbs need changing.

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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change.

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A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says. "But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter. "Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

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Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs.

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