Every joke I've kept

When my pap was younger, his family didn't have much money. One year for Christmas, his mother cut a hole in the front of his underwear so he would have something to play with.

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What Were You Thinking?

What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it? His head!

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Said the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride."

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A book never written: Becoming a Better Artist by N.O. Creativity

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Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen. A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

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After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

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A little girl is helping her mommy with the dishes when she notices that some of her hairs are gray. She asks her mom, "Why are some of your hairs gray?" The mom replies cleverly, "Whenever you make me cry or lie to me, one of my hairs turn gray." The girl thinks for a minute, and then asks, "Is that why all Grandma's hairs are gray?"

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A rancher walked up to the window at the post office, where a new clerk was sorting mail. "Any mail for Mike Howe?" the rancher asked. The clerk ignored him and the rancher repeated his question in a louder voice. Without looking up, the clerk said, "No, none for your cow and none for your horse, either."

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MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

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rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.

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How many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!

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Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.

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Doctor: "Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work." Patient: "But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!"

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A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer. "What a terrible voice!" he said. "Do you know who she is?" "Yes," was the answer. "She is my wife." "Oh, I beg your pardon." The man said, "Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song." "I did." was the answer.

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Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.

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This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

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A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this stuff?"

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Why does Tigger smell so bad? Cause he's always hanging out with Pooh.

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A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?""It's called the door!".

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A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman. "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. "You're under 21," replies the barman.

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