A man's wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly the man's wife began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't wouldn't, didn't, can't!!" The man said,"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?!" The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
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What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
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Billy asked his mother, "Can I go over to Little Johnny's house and watch the magic show?" Billy's mother replied, "Whatever do you mean, dear?" He answered, "The one Johnny's mom performs. I heard her tell Miss Figpot that she got $600 for doing six tricks last night. That must be some kind of show!"
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Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
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A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
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Teacher: Billy, tell me the periodic for water. Billy:Okay. H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Teacher: What makes you say that? Billy: You said it was H to O.
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knock knock, who's there animal animal who? animal i kin git lots of stuff iffn i have ta money
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Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? Because it was rated arrr!
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Former Vice President Dan Quayle says that if you take out the profanity, the TV show "The Osbounes" is about good family values. You take out the profanity, and "The Osbournes" is about 30 seconds long.
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Premise I: Knowledge is power. Premise II: Power corrupts. Conclusion: Therefore, knowledge corrupts.
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Why should not a chicken cross the road? It would be a fowl proceeding.
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Teacher: Larry, name two pronouns. Larry: Who, Me? Teacher: That answer is correct.
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
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Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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What is the world's sharpest thing? A fart! It goes through your pants without leaving a hole!
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Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
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One day in summer, Jack was going to visit his friend John. When he got to his house, he saw John, who was dressed in his warmest winter coats. "What are you doing? Are you nuts? It's the middle of summer!" cried Jack. "I am painting my house. And on the can, it says you must put two coats on."
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Teacher: Recite your tables to me, Joan. Joan: Dining table, kitchen table, bedside table...
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Why did the limping man sit on a scorpion? He thought that it would be "pinched"!
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You know what would be odd? Some one with a deep, dark voice calls you and says, "I know what your phone number is...heh heh..."
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