Every joke I've kept

Never take advice from electrons. They are always negative.

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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. So the farmer says "Oh, shoot! It went in one ear and out the udder"...

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Knock-knock. A race condition. Who is there?

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Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.

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Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert? There's no John.

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They Mean Business...when it Comes to LIES?

The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.

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Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over. -Unknown (boardofwisdom.com)

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Why was the baby ant afraid of his uncles? Because his uncles were all ants!

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How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero: For all blondes know, the lightbulb is still burning bright.

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Wizard Of Oz (the Truth From Dorothy)

Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

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"Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane." "Il compagno spiacente, questo à ̈ un farmacista."

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Which animal has no teeth? A gummy bear!

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Which came first - the chicken or the egg? It depends on who got laid first!

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A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, "This bill is one year old. "By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: "Happy Birthday. "

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Ma and Pa had an awful time getting married.Ma wouldn't marry Pa when he was drunk and Pa wouldn't marry Ma when he was sober.

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Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.

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Knock knock? Who's there? Kip. Kip who? Kip your hands off me!

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A performative poet of Hibernia Rhymed himself into a hernia He became quite adept At this practise, except For the occasional non-sequitur.

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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

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If ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon?

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