Every joke I've kept

What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly? A Bearacuda.

— public joke corpus

A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles." The boy replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."

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Why Did Humpty Dumpty Have a Great Fall?

Larry: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great Fall? Mary: Because he had a bad summer.

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Why is a football pitch so cold? Because of all the fans

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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead... And when she was good, she was very very good, But when she was bad she got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.

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One day two robins walked along the road, planning their day. Robin #1:Oh my god, we totally have to get some bronzing oil! Robin #2:Duh, I mean if are going to spend the whole day at the beach we totally have to! That day while the robins were tanning on the beach a big bad fox came along. He took one look at them and said: Fox:Mmmm, I love Baskin' Robins!

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An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital.When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible."What are you doing?" the visitor asked.The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes."

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Q: How do you shoot a red elephant? A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

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Fill in the blanks such that the second blank is the reverse action of the first one: The famous musician Mozart ________ symphonies when he was alive and __________ after he died. Composed and decomposed.

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"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends. "I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from."

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What did the mama broom say to the little broom? Go to sweep little one.

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What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?

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What's grey, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?An amateur electrician.

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Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.

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What math term tells what acorns say when they are a tree??? Geometry!! (Geo-m-e-try) (Gee I'm a tree)

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Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other, "'Swarm in here, isn't it?"

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Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ? A. You come in one and go in the other.

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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

— public joke corpus