Every joke I've kept

Why did the bubblegum cross the road? Because he was stuck to the chickens leg.

— public joke corpus

What's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains? The teacher trains minds, the other minds trains.

— public joke corpus

What amimal walks with its feet on its head? a flea.

— public joke corpus

What did the porcupine say to the cactus? "Is that you, mommy?"

— public joke corpus

Why does Waldo only wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

— public joke corpus

Can you decipher the following common phrase? AND ED Underhanded!

— public joke corpus

I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.

— public joke corpus

All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

— public joke corpus

I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.

— public joke corpus

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

— public joke corpus

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

— public joke corpus

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what you mean." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

— public joke corpus

This guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually "salmon." Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.

— public joke corpus

One day, the owner of a very large daily newspaper company walked down the halls and greated one of his workers, "Jones, how long have you been working here?"Jones replied, "Ever since I heard you coming down the hall. "

— public joke corpus

"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live." "Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."

— public joke corpus

Would you please do me a favour?

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

— public joke corpus

I lent a friend of mine $5000 for plastic surgery. I can't get it back, because now I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!

— public joke corpus

There were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10

— public joke corpus

Knock knock. Who's there? Someone too short to ring the doorbell.

— public joke corpus

Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming? A: Here come the elephants.

— public joke corpus