Every joke I've kept

I bet Egyptians were all like "Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.

— onelinefun.com

I used to build stairs for a living, it's an up and down business.

— onelinefun.com

Why did the Investigator question the flat iron? To straighten things out.

— onelinefun.com

The artist thought his favourite paint had been stolen, but it was just a pigment of his imagination.

— onelinefun.com

It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.

— onelinefun.com

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

— onelinefun.com

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

— onelinefun.com

Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.

— onelinefun.com

Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days.

— onelinefun.com

Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.

— onelinefun.com

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

— onelinefun.com

What has four legs but can't walk? A chair.

— onelinefun.com

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean that my job is a crime?

— onelinefun.com

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

— onelinefun.com

I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

— onelinefun.com

I don't understand why people don't like lazy people. They didn't do anything.

— onelinefun.com

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

— onelinefun.com

My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

— onelinefun.com

Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.

— onelinefun.com

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job.

— onelinefun.com