Every joke I've kept

Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini? A: None. It's full of elephants.

— public joke corpus

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please." The next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.

— public joke corpus

Knock Knock! Who's there? Moo, moo, who. Moo, moo, who, who? Well, make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?

— public joke corpus

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.

— public joke corpus

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

— public joke corpus

Farmer: This is a dogwood tree. Cityman: How can you tell? Farmer: By its bark

— public joke corpus

How to break up a dating couple: Knock-knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I dumped your girlfriend last night?

— public joke corpus

An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese went to try their echo; the American said, "Good morning," and the echo came back, "Good morninginginging." Then the Frenchman said, "Bon jour," and the echo came back "Bon jourjourjour." Then the Chinese said, "Chang chiong shang zhang hu," and the echo came back, "Whatwhatwhatwhat?"

— public joke corpus

Why are llamas big and brown? Beacause if they were small & grey, they would be mice.

— public joke corpus

What kind of music do welders like? Heavy metal.

— public joke corpus

Don't worry, you aren't fat. You're only "fluffy"!

— public joke corpus

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A:To get to the shell gas station!

— public joke corpus

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

— public joke corpus

What is the Difference?

What is the difference between a drunk and a druggie? Drunks run a stop sign and druggies stop at it and wait till it turns green.

— public joke corpus

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

— public joke corpus

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

— public joke corpus

Two fat men took part in a marathon. One ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts.

— public joke corpus

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one! I figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three for each three they unlock!

— public joke corpus

What does a pirate pay for his corn? A buccaneer!

— public joke corpus

Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, "You're lying!".The other politician responded, "I know, but hear me out."

— public joke corpus