Every joke I've kept

While driving to work, I found myself behind an old Ford Falcon, with five teenage boys inside. The best part was the bumper sticker in the center of the rear window. It read: DON'T LAUGH, YOUR DAUGHTER COULD BE IN HERE!

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Q: What did the older lightbulb say to the younger lightbulb? A: You're too young to go out tonight.

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What do you call a thieving alligator? A crookodile!

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Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."

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Why can't blondes put in lightbubs? Because they keep breaking them with hammers.

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Broccoli, while not exoccoli, Is within an inach of being spinach.

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"I'm very sorry sir, but I don't have my homework with me- I left my bag on the bus." "Well done! A+"

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"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he's 13?"

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What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.

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A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically: "Why does it have to be a secret?"

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What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper.

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I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.

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How do turtles talk to each other? Shellphones!

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Q: What's the difference between a girls track team and a tribe of pygmies? A: The pygmies are cunning little runts.

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Waitress: "Would you like your coffee black?" Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

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Why did the programmer go broke? He used up all his cache

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What does a Mexican firefighter name his twin sons? Jose and Josbe

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A white horse walked into a bar. The barman saw him and said, "We have a whiskey named after you!" The horse looked puzzled and said, "What, Eric?"

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Sing it, it sounds better: His baloney has a first name: It's "I did not inhale." His baloney has a second name: "I wasn't getting tail." He loves to sling it every day, The White House people all just say, That Billy Clinton has a way Of making bullsh*t sound OK!

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A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to assist me?" she asked.

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