Every joke I've kept

Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. Well, bring me the winner then.

— public joke corpus

Teacher: Oscar, if you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked for one, how many would you have left? Oscar: Five.

— public joke corpus

A paper bag goes to his doctor, who says; "Your test results are back, and I'm afraid I have bad news. You have AIDS. "That's impossible," cried the paper bag, "I've not had any form of sexual contact, nor am I a drug user!" "In that case," said the doctor, "your father must have been a carrier."

— public joke corpus

Q. How many acountants does it take to change a lightbulb? A. 1 at a fixed rate of 3.5% income return after purchase for every bulb replaced over a 6 year plan, with projected inflation expected to rise to over $1.25 per bulb in 2006.

— public joke corpus

Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.

— public joke corpus

The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose. I asked her what happened and she said, "I stopped to smell a brose," then I said, "wait, there's no b in rose!" She said, "Well, there was in that one!!

— public joke corpus

Speak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret.

— public joke corpus

Two Stasi agents are on a surveillance mission and quite bored. First agent: "Hey, what are you thinking about?" Second agent: "Oh, nothing special. The same as you..." First agent: "In that case, you're under arrest!"

— public joke corpus

This is Meant to be Funny in a Stupid Way

Where does Superman's goldfish live ? In the superbowl....

— public joke corpus

An Irish guy was digging a hole in his front lawn, when his neighbour walks by and says, "Hey, Patrick, what are you doing?" "Digging a hole," said Patrick. "What's wrong with the hole next to it?" said his neighbour. "That one wasn't deep enough," said Patrick.

— public joke corpus

No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

— public joke corpus

Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!

— public joke corpus

Gene Pitney dies, and his widow is told that the coffin would take a week if it was made from Oak - but only 24 hours from Balsa!

— public joke corpus

Q: What device lets you see through a wall? A: Window

— public joke corpus

A three legged dog is walking down the middle of the road with a shotgun in his hand. When he was asked why he had a shotgun he said "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa".

— public joke corpus

Can You Understand Binary?

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who can do binary and those who can't.

— public joke corpus

What is the most used language in programming? Profanity.

— public joke corpus

If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

— public joke corpus

2 Things I Find Ironic in Sports

1. The Yankees General Manager's name is Brian Cashman. 2. Barry Bonds' initals are BB, the abreviation for a walk is also BB.

— public joke corpus

Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play.

— public joke corpus