Every joke I've kept

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." - David Letterman

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What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!

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Knock Knock. Who's there? Anita. Anita who? Anita really warm place to sleep tonight, it's cold out here.

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Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

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Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the middle ages as the dark ages? Betty: Because they had so many knights.

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E.T phone home! That must be one hell of a phone bill

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Knock knock. Who's there? Poop!

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What color is red? True or false?

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What's purple and commutes? An Abelian grape.

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How do you know if you have the swine flu? You wake up in pigtails and then break out in rashers!

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For immediate issue: Password Security Guidelines V2.2b Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely. Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.

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When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

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How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.

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What did one earthquake say to another? Oops! My fault!

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BOB- It's Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions? GEORGE- I think it's unlucky to have superstitions.

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Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.

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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

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What do you call a blind deer? No idea (no eye deer.) What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)

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A policeman pulls over a reckless driver along the road. Going up to the driver's window, he takes one look and notes, "Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The driver looks up out of those bloodshot eyes and responds, "Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

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Then there was the dyslexic robber who held up the bank with a gnu.

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