Every joke I've kept

Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words.

— public joke corpus

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

— public joke corpus

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"

— public joke corpus

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

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I used to be schizophrenic, but now we're just fine

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Why do programmers prefer dark chocolate? Because it's bitter like their code.

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Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None 'o yo' freakin' business! A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

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A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing,humming and giggling all over herself. Her husband asked her why she wasso happy. She said, "I went to the doctor today and he said I have thebreasts of a twenty year old."The husband then asked, "What did he say about your fifty year old ass?""Your name didn't come up in our conversation." She replied.

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I have nothing to declare except my genius.

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If there are 12 cats on a fence and 1 cat jumps off, how many are left? None, they're all copycats!

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Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

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What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."

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The word 'function' should never function as a verb.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Halfway?

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? To "lay it on the line".

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Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

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Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts? They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks . . . They are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.

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True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

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I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...

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Bill had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison: "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

— public joke corpus

What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.

— public joke corpus