Every joke I've kept

Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's indivisible.

— public joke corpus

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

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What do you call a lion wearing a hat? A Dandy Lion.

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Announcer, at a diving competition: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have both good and bad news to announce. The good news is that the dive just performed was fantastic and the judges have managed to give it a full score of ten. The bad news is... there was no water in the pool."

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One day two blondes decided to take a trip to Disney Land. They were riding down the road and all of a sudden they came to a fork in the road and a sign said disneyland left. So they looked at eachother and said dangget and went back home.

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A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."

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What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!

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A man goes to a fancy dress party, dressed from head to toe in green, carrying a woman on his back. The host asks, "What have you come as?" He replies, "I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle!" The host says, "Why have you a woman on your back?" "Oh, that's Michelle," he replies. (My shell)

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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes!

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What did the clock say to the wristwatch? "I enjoyed tocking with you, but now you're starting to tick me off."

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Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

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Q: Why do elephants paint their toes yellow? A: So they can hide upside down in the custard.

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Q: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange? A: Look at the orange-mama-lade!

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Two jackrabbits are running from a pack of coyotes they manage to hide under a cactus. One says to the other: "Should we run for it, or wait till we outnumber 'em?"

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The sheriff of a small western town was also the town veterinarian. Late one night the phone rang, and his wife answered it. "Is your husband there?" asked an agitated voice. "Do you require my husband's services as a sheriff or as a veterinarian?" She asked. "Both," came the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

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A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.

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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

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What type of music do balloons hate? Pop music!

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Can you decipher this phrase? U P Broken up!

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Some days you are the bug. Some days you are the windshield.

— public joke corpus