A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink, so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!" After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
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A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'
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Why can't bicycles stand on their own? They are two tired
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To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
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What' did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
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A teacher asked his student: Give me an example of 6 animals. The student: 3 Lions, 2 Tigers , and 1 Cheetah !
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The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members. Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.
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"He's great on the court," a sportswriter spoke of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his academics?" "Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter. "Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a just little crooked."
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Patient: Doctor doctor, J keep seeing doubles! Doctor: Please take a seat. Patient: Which one?
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Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie.
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Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator? A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
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The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
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The first TV network kids show in the U.S. was "Captain Kangaroo." Before 1687 clocks were made with only an hour hand. There are towns named Sandwich in Illinois and Massachusetts. Caterpillars have over 2,000 muscles.
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Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail? Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.
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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
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Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.
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Where do fish keep their life savings? At the river bank!
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Ways To Annoy People In The Computer Lab Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting. Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
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On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
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A Michigan circuit judge tells about a divorce suit he handled recently."I think you might as well give your husband a divorce," he advised the wife."What!" shouted the lady."I have lived with this bum for twenty years, and now I should make him happy?"
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