Every joke I've kept

Our new greengrocery is now starting! We feature lead-free gasoline, phosphorus-free washing powder, fluorine-free refrigerator, ..., and iodine-free salt.

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Why was the developer always calm? Because they knew how to handle exceptions.

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So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?" "Ya," says the kid. "Well, it doesn't," says the dad. "So what is money made out of, Dad?" "Paper," the dad says. "And what is paper made out of?" "Shut up."

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What s green and hangs from a tree??? Giraffe Boogers

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Dad, can you put my shoes on? I don't think they'll fit me.

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After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room. One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time. The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."

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I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

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BOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day. JOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you? BOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time...

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We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.

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"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you. "Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two. "

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When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

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Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?"

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Sam: "Where have I seen your face before?" Pam: "Right where it is now."

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What do you call Santa when he's been to the beach? Sandy Claus!

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Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. -- Jackie Mason

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This is not supposed to be funny. I want to make a public apology for the temper tantrum I threw earlier today. I still don't get it but I am sorry for blaming everyone else for my problems. AC3P1L07 P.S. please vote this as funny so more people will see it.

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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa? Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!

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Knock-Knock! Who's there? Pencil. Pencil who? Pencil fall down if you don't wear a belt.

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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

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The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.

— public joke corpus