Every joke I've kept

A fool and his money are soon partying.

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What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food!

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Why do snakes always lose in court? Answer: They don't have a leg to stand on!

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I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting larger. Then it hit me...

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Knock-knock! Who's there? Yoda! Yoda who? Yo-da door's stuck! Lemme in!

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What did Tennessee? What Arkansas.

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How do you shut up a crying baby? Finish the job.

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If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?

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One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.He was furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!""Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replied,"I'll take those mirrors out right away!"

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"Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say ''Fabulous.''

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What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly.

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William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.

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Why do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs? To let you know you've reached the end of the cat.

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The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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What's the integral of 1/cabin? A natural log cabin. No, a houseboat – you forgot to add the c!

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Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?

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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

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If the population of China walked past you, in a single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

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Teacher to student: "I just read the composition on 'My House' that you had submitted." Student: "Yes, is there anything wrong?" Teacher: "No. It was excellent. It was exactly the same composition that your older brother submitted last year." Student: "Well...we live in the same house..."

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