The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."
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Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
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Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel? A. So the French government could to flee to London.
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The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
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A man goes into a shoe store and asks to try on a pair of shoes. They were a bit snug. "Well, they feel a bit tight," says the man. The salesman bends down and feels around. He suggests pulling the tongue out, then asks, "How do they feel now?" "Well, dey shtill feel a bit thight"
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As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
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A spanish speaking person was eating breakfast they where having english muffins the rest of the family was English(The Spanish speaking guy was adopted)so he was eating an English muffin after that he tried to say Uno but instead was completely English Wierd
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Mom: How did you do on your history test? Kid: Not good. Mom: Why? Kid: They asked me things that happened before I was born!
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Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
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She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!
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Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?Because men refuse to ask for directions!
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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.
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Three ants went to the beach to swim. Two jumped directly in the water. The other went back home and after an hour returned. Why? She forgot her swimming suit!!
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Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other? A: I have a lot of problems.
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A boy and his mom were playing the new game of life were you could put your house were you wanted it. The boy put it on the left side. On his next turn he moved it onto the right side. The mom asked why he did that and he said, "I wanted to live on the other side of life."
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When does Saddam Hussein have his lunch? When Tariq Aziz. (When Tariq has his)
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As the plane was flying low over hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
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I believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
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A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!"
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Have you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No? If you don't pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains!
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