Every joke I've kept

A polar bear walked into a bar and said "Can I please have a gin and............................................tonic?" The bartender replied "Sure, but why the large pause?" "I don't know, I've always had them!"

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Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.

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What time is it? I don't know... it keeps changing.

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Are you overworked, under paid, over-regulated, under-leisured, and underbenefited? Take heart! Not only could it be worse, it has been. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:

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Question: What did the frog order at McDonald's? Answer: An order of french flies and a diet croak!!

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What do ghosts call their true love? Their ghoul-friend

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A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

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Q. What did Stevie Wonder say about the cheese grater he got for Christmas? A. It was the scariest book he had ever read!

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What did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark.

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Q: What is orange, red, and lies in the grass? A: A wounded cheesie!

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Q. What do me and a mirror have in common? A. When we see your face we both crack up!

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A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress, "I want a cup of coffee without cream." The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"

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How do you explain counterclockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch?

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Why did the melon jump into the water? Because it wanted to be a watermelon!

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What's the difference between pokemon and pokewomon? poke balls

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Did you hear about the new program on CBS's Cable Channel-"Jewish Survivor"? Eighteen Jews are put in a two bedroom non-Rent Controlled Apartment (not a sublet) on the Upper West Side of New York. Each week they vote out one of the Tribe until there is a survivor who gets a $1 million trust fund. Jewish Survivor Rules:

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What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

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An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.

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A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

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A little boy is adopted from Korea and is flown to the USA to meet his new parents. A few years later the parents decide to adopt again on the way to the airport the little boy sees planes coming in to land. He says to his mother, "Look at all the babies being born." (he thinks all babies come on air planes Ha Ha)

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